Bipolar Blog

The day that I heard that I was expecting you, I was so scared.  I was single and not at all “put together” in the way a soon-to-be Mother should be.  For years, I had suffered with mental illness, but I didn’t know it at the time.  The day that I heard you were on your way, I decided it was time to start treating myself better and thus, I’d hopefully be ready for you, in a few short months’ time.

I don’t believe that any Mother wants to be less than perfect with their children, but I soon found out that I was suffering from Bipolar II disorder, of which there is no cure.  I was and would always be a bit damaged.  This realization was eye-opening for me.  I wanted to make myself new and improved for you, because surely every child deserves to have a mother that is not fighting a mental illness and sometimes losing.

The best I could do was arm myself with a plethora of tools to help me be the best me I could be.  I know, that no matter how many tools I had in my possession, I would still lack for the perfect Mother I wanted to be.

There were days when I couldn’t get off of the couch long enough to play by your side, or make you a meal that you deserved.  Hot dogs and grilled cheese were my go-to, as they were quick and you liked them.

We’ve both grown, and I believe that you have become the patient and compassionate man you have, because you had to be both while you were growing up.  You have always showed me the gentleness that I deserve, but also the straight-forward, no nonsense honesty that I need as well.

Where would I be without you?  I think I would still be on the couch, fighting with my mind and losing.  You gave me a reason to fight, a reason to want better, a reason to not give up – although it would have been so easy, so many times.

I know you deserved better than what you got, with me as your mother.  I can only hope that you know with every inch of your being that you are my light, my world and because of you, I move forward every day.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on a few different social media sites and the internet in general.  One thing that I can say is that people with bi-polar consistently have regret from past actions, moods and behaviors.

I know this first hand, as my bi-polar helped drive away my son’s father, “D,” over 20 years ago.  At the time, I was undiagnosed, un-medicated and a mess.  My moods were all over the place and my sexuality was in hyper mode.  I was volatile, to say the least.

I often have said “I had forest fires of temper, and D didn’t want to play fire-fighter anymore, or get burned.”  Without knowing that I was suffering with bi-polar II, I couldn’t yet reason out what I was feeling or doing at any given time, and people around me started to leave.

I guess I could play victim and whine about the fact that people didn’t love me enough to stay and help me figure things out, but honestly, I don’t blame the people who left.  I think they were working on self-preservation and getting away from me was a way to stay safe.

Now, years later, I am faced with rebuilding some of those relationships.  Explaining and apologizing for past behaviors and hoping to build trust again.  I burned a few bridges during my undiagnosed time and I do regret losing some of the people I lost.

I can only hope that those I apologize to, will take my apology at face-value and give me a second chance to prove that I am not my mood swings, my hyper sexuality or my irritability.  That I am not my diagnosis.

My son, N, and I had a discussion the other day about what he called my “laziness.”  My laziness.  It’s more like my mental disorder, but to a child that has grown up with a parent who has mental illness, it isn’t always easy for them to see the difference between the integral pieces of the parent and the symptoms of the mental illness.

I tried to explain how I was feeling, what my body and mind need and that my being “lazy” is a part of my having Bipolar Disorder.  But sometimes it’s difficult to put into words, even for those I love.

Bipolar Disorder can wreak havoc on a person’s sleep schedule.  I have suffered with both insomnia and also an increased need to sleep.  Usually the insomnia goes hand-in-hand with a manic episode and the increased need for sleep follows suit with depression.  But this is not always the case.  Currently, I am not in a depressed state and yet – I feel like I need sleep like my body needs water.

I will admit though, that I would rather be tucked in my bed, sheltered from the world at large, than out in it.  And yet, it’s not as if I lay in bed and daydream; the moment my head hits the pillow – I’m out.  I can stay that way for a few hours or the entire evening.  It all depends on what I’ve had going that particular day and how much interaction I’ve had with people and how much I’ve had to hide from everyone.

I think one thing that people without mental illness don’t understand is that it can be exhausting to have to fight with your own mind on an hourly basis and that this ends up being very tiring.

Since reading is so much a part of my life, I wanted to begin to review certain books on this blog.

While some of these books will be non-fiction, often they will be fiction books.  While each author can pepper their stories any way they see fit, the books I will be reviewing here will pertain to mental illness of some sort and Bipolar Disorder, where they can be.

Girl in Pieces

For my first review, I want to look at Girl in Pieces, by Kathleen Glasgow.  I picked up this book from Target and after reading the back cover, threw it into the cart, knowing that it might set off some triggers for me, but wanting to read it just the same.

Well, what can I say?  This book is one giant trigger – but beautifully written – and the characters come alive in your hands.  We follow 17-year-old Charlotte “Charlie” Davis as she tries to make sense of her life and surroundings; trying to be good and do good at every step, to move her life forward.

While I’m not going to spoil the book for anyone who would like to read it, I will tell you that there is a lot of substance abuse, mental illness, self-harm and addiction in this book.  At times, you must muddle through the difficulties right with Charlie – the tear stains on my pillow case are a testament to this.  And yet, there were times I was triumphant for her.

This book gives hope as it walks you through Charlie’s story.  If you can handle the triggers in this book, I say grab a copy and read it!  It will be well worth it, tears and all.

I’m feeling “off” today.  First, I didn’t sleep well last night.  I had nightmares that woke me, shaking and reaching for the bedside light.   They were horrible nightmares, where I had to deal with a literal devil attacking me; pushing him away to survive.  I’ve always been plagued with nightmares, even as an adult.  I’ve been taught, through therapy with my social worker, to become conscious in them and tell myself “it’s not real and (to) wake up!”  However, last night, I couldn’t wake myself out of my dreams.

I can remember in one of them, turning my back on the devil and repeating to myself, “this is not real – Jennifer, you need to wake up.”  Yet I stayed in the dream, scared and fighting for my life.

Not only do these nightmares give me a fitful sleep, and then keep me awake for the remainder of the night, they also mess with my psyche.  Since the dreams are so vivid, I remember the smallest details for days to come, dwelling on them and though I try to push them out of my mind, I begin to wonder what is going on in my head, to give me such horrible nightmares.  The thoughts of insanity creep in, making me anxious and upset – close to tears.  On most days I feel “sane” (whatever that means) and know that I’ve a good handle on my Bipolar II Disorder, but when the nightmares come, I fear the worst and think that I’ve not got as good a handle on things as I think I do.

Which leads me to my biggest fear – that I’ll go insane and need to be hospitalized.  In all my years of having Bipolar II Disorder, this is the fear that I always come back to.

I once had a therapist that used to tell me that if I was worried I was going insane, then I wasn’t.  That insane people don’t feel they are; they feel everyone else is crazy, while the thoughts that spin webs in their mind are rational.  But my fear is still there.

I guess I feel that I have a grasp on my mental illness and its cycles and its same old reactions.  But at times, that grasp can slip, even if only slightly, and leave me wondering what will become of me.

Yesterday I did something that I hardly ever do.  I mean, it happens so infrequently that when it does happen I don’t even catch on to what is going on until it’s too late to rectify the situation.

I FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDS.

For someone with Bipolar II and ADD, who relies on medication to make it through each day, this is a huge issue.

My day started off rough, I was irritable – couldn’t stand to listen to my co-worker complain (which is a daily thing – but usually goes in one ear and out the other).  Then I noticed how exhausted I was; I even thought to myself, “I’m exhausted and I’ve got amphetamine in my system, what’s going on!?!”

It wasn’t until the afternoon, after I had struggled for hours with my irritability, shifting anger and exhaustion that I began to feel dizzy.  When I say dizzy, I mean, I would get up and have to grab hold of the desk because the room spun that quickly.  My son even made the comment that I had been drinking at work, when I went home for lunch.

I left work early, knowing that to be there any longer would be a detriment, as I’d say something I’d regret (holding my tongue doesn’t happen when I’m irritable), or I’d literally fall down from being so dizzy.

As I lay in bed, curled in the fetal position, hoping that sleep would remove me from and remedy my situation, I began to have a recurring feeling.  We’ve all had one too many, when the room spins.  However, I was what was spinning and could actually feel myself roll off the bed and onto the floor – the thing is, that NEVER happened.   I was a hair away from hallucinations, wondering what was going on, why I was feeling this way and when it was going to stop.

On my bedside table, sits a medication organizer that is broken down into 7 compartments, one for each day.  Every Sunday, I fill it up with the medication and a few vitamins that I am on, to keep me even-keel.  My habit is to take my medication each morning before I leave the house to start my day.   I know (I mean really KNOW) that when I don’t take my medication, I can easily slip into a drastic mood swing, irritability or even suicidal thoughts.  It’s something I don’t take lightly.

However, yesterday, somehow I left the house without taking my medication, and it wasn’t until later that night, while I lay in bed, still spinning that my eyes shot open and landed on my bedside table, only to notice that the compartment for that day was still full of my medication.

Now the dilemma ensues; do I ride it out until morning, or take the forgotten dose and risk doubling up in the morning?

Usually the pharmacist will tell you to take a dose as soon as you’ve realized you’ve missed a does.  But at that time of night, so close to morning, I just rode out the final hours of the day, praying that I’d make it to morning without the start of a drastic mood swing or depression sitting in.

For those of you on medication for your mental illness, I’m sure you can relate to this post.  It’s important to put fail-stops into your daily routine, so that what happened to me, doesn’t happen to you.  You’re medicated to feel better.  Keep taking your medication and don’t stop, unless by Doctor’s orders.