I’ve been doing a lot of reading on a few different social media sites and the internet in general. One thing that I can say is that people with bi-polar consistently have regret from past actions, moods and behaviors.
I know this first hand, as my bi-polar helped drive away my son’s father, “D,” over 20 years ago. At the time, I was undiagnosed, un-medicated and a mess. My moods were all over the place and my sexuality was in hyper mode. I was volatile, to say the least.
I often have said “I had forest fires of temper, and D didn’t want to play fire-fighter anymore, or get burned.” Without knowing that I was suffering with bi-polar II, I couldn’t yet reason out what I was feeling or doing at any given time, and people around me started to leave.
I guess I could play victim and whine about the fact that people didn’t love me enough to stay and help me figure things out, but honestly, I don’t blame the people who left. I think they were working on self-preservation and getting away from me was a way to stay safe.
Now, years later, I am faced with rebuilding some of those relationships. Explaining and apologizing for past behaviors and hoping to build trust again. I burned a few bridges during my undiagnosed time and I do regret losing some of the people I lost.
I can only hope that those I apologize to, will take my apology at face-value and give me a second chance to prove that I am not my mood swings, my hyper sexuality or my irritability. That I am not my diagnosis.