Bipolar Blog

I cried last night, but it’s not what you think.  I wasn’t depressed or upset about my life or a love lost.   I wasn’t uncontrollably sobbing, but the tears were falling down my cheeks just the same.

What was I doing?  Watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU.  Having Bipolar II Disorder has, in my case, brought me closer to my feelings of empathy.  So much so, that when I see a movie or TV show that “speaks to me,” I can cry in an instant.  It honestly doesn’t take much.

In the particular episode I watched last night (Amaro’s One-Eighty), detective Amaro was faced with losing his career and daughter all due to a judgment call that one could argue had been the correct way to go.  The plot is not as important here as the reaction that I had.

You see, being immersed in my emotions is something that I can’t easily regulate.   If I talk to you for a few days and you treat me well, we hit it off and you show me some affection; I’m in love immediately.  I dive ALL IN.

The same way I am all in, I can be ALL OUT.  If something irks me or sets me off the wrong way, I’m done with it.  This goes for people, as well as everyday kitchen items!

As I’ve said before, regulating my emotions is difficult and something that I think other people take for granted.  I’m at the mercy of my emotions, for better or for worse, and though I try to keep it in check (sometimes I can), it usually gets the better of me.

This past weekend I did something that I haven’t made time for in a while; I got crafty!  About 2 weeks ago, I went to the podiatrist (follow me here…) and he put me in an orthotic boot for a month.   He told me he did this to “slow (me) down” and help my foot heal.  How frustrating to have my foot and leg – up to the knee – encased in this hot and sweaty boot.  However, the bright side is that I had to be immobile this weekend and decided to craft.

I sat at my crafting table, surrounded by many tools, stamps, inks and pieces of paper and began to make some handmade cards.   The art of taking time to craft and make something with my hands has always slowed me down and helped me focus on myself and the beauty of creating.  It’s taking time for myself and something I enjoy doing.  I can’t begin to tell you how I feel with a finished product in my hand.

Now, I’m not perfect.  Sometimes the things I create go right into the trash, the colors not mixing correctly or the idea in my head not translating to paper the way I wanted it to.  But more often than not, I create something that I am proud of and can’t wait to send to my friends or family.

Being able to create something in the span of ½ an hour helps me see the end results rather quickly (I’m not very patient), and reminds me that I do have something that I love to do, even when I’m told to be immobile.

So, my suggestion to you is find the one thing that you can do this weekend.  Whether it be working with your hands, your voice or your entire body; get out and create!

Today in the mail, I received a letter from my health insurance company telling me that the clinic I go to (for my mental health) will no longer be participating in my health insurance plan.  I can’t begin to tell you the number of times this has happened to me.  I’m frustrated, to say the least.

I find a doctor or social worker/counselor that I trust and build a rapport with them.   Then the rug gets pulled out from underneath me.  In a time when mental health is something that is not talked about, it’s difficult to locate proper agencies that will help me stay the course I have set for myself.  Having Bipolar and ADD, as I’ve already indicated, means being on medications to assist me along the way with my mental health.

Now, throw into the mix, having to worry about running out of medication before I can find a new doctor & get in to see them.  In the area where I live, there are not many mental health offices that I can call or possibly go to.  Not to mention the wait, when I do locate a new doctor.

Plus, having a new doctor means going through my history; all 20 years of it.  Trying to remember the many medications I’ve been on, the many cycles I’ve experienced and the many treatment plans I’ve worked.  All because insurance companies and doctor’s offices won’t work together.  How frustrating!

I’ve often heard of people describing Bipolar disorder as a roller coaster of emotions.  Yet, if I were to compare my moods to a carnival ride, it would have to be the “Scrambler.”

My moods can hit in an instant and throw me for a loop with spine-whipping speed.  It’s not a leisurely ride, like being on the Ferris wheel and losing your stomach for a second. Instead, it’s a jolt to my entire system and affects things like my sleep patterns, speed of thought and words that come out of my mouth, and my thoughts in general.

Being able to regulate moods is something that I think people without mental illness take for granted.  For anyone without mental illness, when an argument comes up or they have difficulty with a task, they can take it in stride, address the situation and move on.

I don’t have that luxury.  The ability to self-regulate my moods is missing.

If someone is angry with me, my mood will instantly jump to guilty and depressed.  When I have a task that’s difficult – I’ll abandon it.  If someone is happy or if I’m tasked with doing something I love to do, mania is ‘normally’ the outcome.  (Though there isn’t much of ‘normal’)

When I’m in a relationship that makes me feel good, my emotions are at an all-time high; I smile from ear-to-ear and giggle like a school girl.  However, if I’m in a relationship that is bad for me, the opposite is true: I tend to wear the disappointment, guilt or general malaise on my face, and in my actions.  This is why I hesitate before inviting new people into my life – will they be good or bad for me?  While everyone surely asks that question once-in-a-while, I am on high alert – playing the what-if game in my head while I shake hands or am introduced to someone knew.

Regulation is Key

Also, for anyone without a mental illness, not only can they regulate their moods, but they don’t become a hostage to them either.   For me, depression or mania can surface at any time, no matter the situations around me or the time of day.  I can be listening to the radio and a song will plummet me into depression.  Or I can have a good day and decide to “treat” myself with a manic shopping spree.

Regulation seems to be key for most people; staying even-keel isn’t that difficult.  However, I feel scrambled most of the time.  It’s challenging, to say the least, and frustrating to not know what emotion or mood is up next.

I wanted to take a step back today and look at ADD, specifically in women.  I’ve done the research and found that adults experience ADD differently than children and to go even further, women and men have different ADD experiences and symptoms.

One site that I visited, listed common symptoms of ADD in women.  You can find it here.

After looking at the list of these symptoms, I can easily see the trouble I experience because of having ADD.

To begin, I’m hypersensitive to criticism and suggestion, whether this happens at work or home.  There are times that I’ve been brought to tears because of what a manager, co-worker or relative has said.  At one point, I even went out on disability after my manager gave veiled threats directly to me, towards being unemployed.  When someone who can fire me at will says, “I know being a single mother is tough and without this job, how would you pay your mortgage,” I took that personally and instead of thinking quickly on my feet, went into an anxious ‘flight’ mode.

I also have difficulty sitting still for long periods of time.  In a 9 – 5 job, where I’m supposed to sit in a cubicle for hours on end, it is difficult for me to concentrate and work.  I do better in an environment where I can get up and stretch my legs, move and complete tasks in small chunks.

ADD Symptom or no?

However, many of the ADD symptoms that I experience mirror those that people with Bipolar have and also mirror some of the side effects of anti-depressants.

For starters, I have a difficult time retrieving words – which can be ADD-related or medication-related.  The same thing happens with people’s names.   Even if I use the word on a daily basis or see someone frequently, finding a word or name can be challenging.  This is especially trying during presentations, meetings and interviews.  I sound like I am fumbling with my words and most of the time it’s because the word just isn’t coming into my brain the way that it does for others.

Another symptom of ADD that can be mirrored in Bipolar is engaging in unhealthy behaviors.  Oft-times those with Bipolar have symptoms of hyper sexuality, or addiction to gambling or alcohol.   One could make the case that these may also be symptoms of ADD.

Whatever the case may be, I know that without medication for my Bipolar AND ADD, I wouldn’t be able to function half as well as I do.