My son, N, and I had a discussion the other day about what he called my “laziness.” My laziness. It’s more like my mental disorder, but to a child that has grown up with a parent who has mental illness, it isn’t always easy for them to see the difference between the integral pieces of the parent and the symptoms of the mental illness.
I tried to explain how I was feeling, what my body and mind need and that my being “lazy” is a part of my having Bipolar Disorder. But sometimes it’s difficult to put into words, even for those I love.
Bipolar Disorder can wreak havoc on a person’s sleep schedule. I have suffered with both insomnia and also an increased need to sleep. Usually the insomnia goes hand-in-hand with a manic episode and the increased need for sleep follows suit with depression. But this is not always the case. Currently, I am not in a depressed state and yet – I feel like I need sleep like my body needs water.
I will admit though, that I would rather be tucked in my bed, sheltered from the world at large, than out in it. And yet, it’s not as if I lay in bed and daydream; the moment my head hits the pillow – I’m out. I can stay that way for a few hours or the entire evening. It all depends on what I’ve had going that particular day and how much interaction I’ve had with people and how much I’ve had to hide from everyone.
I think one thing that people without mental illness don’t understand is that it can be exhausting to have to fight with your own mind on an hourly basis and that this ends up being very tiring.