I’m feeling “off” today. First, I didn’t sleep well last night. I had nightmares that woke me, shaking and reaching for the bedside light. They were horrible nightmares, where I had to deal with a literal devil attacking me; pushing him away to survive. I’ve always been plagued with nightmares, even as an adult. I’ve been taught, through therapy with my social worker, to become conscious in them and tell myself “it’s not real and (to) wake up!” However, last night, I couldn’t wake myself out of my dreams.
I can remember in one of them, turning my back on the devil and repeating to myself, “this is not real – Jennifer, you need to wake up.” Yet I stayed in the dream, scared and fighting for my life.
Not only do these nightmares give me a fitful sleep, and then keep me awake for the remainder of the night, they also mess with my psyche. Since the dreams are so vivid, I remember the smallest details for days to come, dwelling on them and though I try to push them out of my mind, I begin to wonder what is going on in my head, to give me such horrible nightmares. The thoughts of insanity creep in, making me anxious and upset – close to tears. On most days I feel “sane” (whatever that means) and know that I’ve a good handle on my Bipolar II Disorder, but when the nightmares come, I fear the worst and think that I’ve not got as good a handle on things as I think I do.
Which leads me to my biggest fear – that I’ll go insane and need to be hospitalized. In all my years of having Bipolar II Disorder, this is the fear that I always come back to.
I once had a therapist that used to tell me that if I was worried I was going insane, then I wasn’t. That insane people don’t feel they are; they feel everyone else is crazy, while the thoughts that spin webs in their mind are rational. But my fear is still there.
I guess I feel that I have a grasp on my mental illness and its cycles and its same old reactions. But at times, that grasp can slip, even if only slightly, and leave me wondering what will become of me.