I’ve often heard of people describing Bipolar disorder as a roller coaster of emotions. Yet, if I were to compare my moods to a carnival ride, it would have to be the “Scrambler.”
My moods can hit in an instant and throw me for a loop with spine-whipping speed. It’s not a leisurely ride, like being on the Ferris wheel and losing your stomach for a second. Instead, it’s a jolt to my entire system and affects things like my sleep patterns, speed of thought and words that come out of my mouth, and my thoughts in general.
Being able to regulate moods is something that I think people without mental illness take for granted. For anyone without mental illness, when an argument comes up or they have difficulty with a task, they can take it in stride, address the situation and move on.
I don’t have that luxury. The ability to self-regulate my moods is missing.
If someone is angry with me, my mood will instantly jump to guilty and depressed. When I have a task that’s difficult – I’ll abandon it. If someone is happy or if I’m tasked with doing something I love to do, mania is ‘normally’ the outcome. (Though there isn’t much of ‘normal’)
When I’m in a relationship that makes me feel good, my emotions are at an all-time high; I smile from ear-to-ear and giggle like a school girl. However, if I’m in a relationship that is bad for me, the opposite is true: I tend to wear the disappointment, guilt or general malaise on my face, and in my actions. This is why I hesitate before inviting new people into my life – will they be good or bad for me? While everyone surely asks that question once-in-a-while, I am on high alert – playing the what-if game in my head while I shake hands or am introduced to someone knew.
Regulation is Key
Also, for anyone without a mental illness, not only can they regulate their moods, but they don’t become a hostage to them either. For me, depression or mania can surface at any time, no matter the situations around me or the time of day. I can be listening to the radio and a song will plummet me into depression. Or I can have a good day and decide to “treat” myself with a manic shopping spree.
Regulation seems to be key for most people; staying even-keel isn’t that difficult. However, I feel scrambled most of the time. It’s challenging, to say the least, and frustrating to not know what emotion or mood is up next.