Finally a Diagnosis
After delving into my past emotions and actions, my therapist made the declaration that she thought I was suffering from Biploar II disorder. I can remember sitting there in awe and a little reservation. Yet, to have a name for what had been happening to me, was quite a relief. Surely, I didn’t understand all of the facets of what the diagnosis meant yet, but knowing that there was one, in my mind, was a start.
It wasn’t as if I had something to blame my actions on that caused the relief, it was more of accepting the diagnosis and knowing that now I could (hopefully) start to understand myself a bit better.
Throughout the next few years, my therapist and I worked through a lengthy list of moods, triggers, medication and reactions. I knew now that I could be the Mom my son needed, albeit with assistance and medication; I wouldn’t just flounder without any sense of control anymore. I could be better and I was determined to be better.
The Next Phase
The next phase of learning, was to meet with a psychiatrist and try to determine (by trial and error) what medication would make me feel more “level.” Yes, unfortunately I said, “by trial and error.”
I can remember being told that some medications wouldn’t fully work for 3-4 weeks, so we’d have to give them a go for a month or so, before we might see a difference in my mood. I can also remember my short stint on Lithium and how much I hated being void of any emotion what-so-ever. Thankfully, I had great practitioners that listened to me when I found issue with side effects of the medications I tried.
Through the years I’ve been on many medications. Usually I find a combination of things that work, but after a few years on the same medication, my body’s chemistry seems to adapt and I return to trial and error, to locate something that will work once again.
For me, medication has its place in my life. I dutifully take my meds every morning, because I can see a difference in myself if I don’t. And frankly, my son, whether he was an infant or a young man, has deserved a Mom that is as even-keel as I can be.